MODENA, Italy – In a groundbreaking display of compassionate jurisprudence that left local pedestrians both relieved and mildly perforated, authorities have officially ruled that Salim El Koudri’s high-speed game of human bumper cars through a crowded Modena street was not, repeat not, terrorism. No sir. It was, according to top officials, a classic case of “mental health issues” brought on by the unbearable trauma of existing near white people.
“Mr. El Koudri was clearly suffering from a severe case of systemic racism exposure,” explained Francesca “Call-Me-Fran” Rossi, head of the newly formed Ministry of Excuses and Imported Feelings. “He told us the honking horns triggered flashbacks to every microaggression he’s ever endured – like that time a barista smiled at him without first checking her privilege. The car-ramming was simply his body’s way of saying, ‘Enough is enough.’”
Under strict medical protocol, El Koudri was immediately whisked away from the crime scene (where he had allegedly yelled something that sounded suspiciously like a peaceful religious invocation) and placed in a luxury observation suite complete with free Wi-Fi, halal catering, and a “Safe Space for Future Jihad” pillow fort. There, a crack team of diversity-trained psychiatrists spent three full minutes determining that his condition was 100% justified. 
“White people are inherently racist,” confirmed Dr. Paolo “Equity” Bianchi, wiping a single tear from his cheek. “Our patient’s rage was not only understandable, it was therapeutic. We’ve scheduled his release for next Tuesday, right after we give him a participation trophy and a voucher for his next ‘wellness drive.’”
In an extra layer of bureaucratic benevolence, Italian health officials made sure to run a full STD panel on the suspect before processing his paperwork. “We want to be responsible,” said a spokesperson. “When he inevitably finds his next victim – er, interaction partner – he’ll be able to hand her a laminated certificate proving he’s clean. It’s called non-consensual consent, people. Look it up.”
Eyewitnesses who were nearly turned into hood ornaments expressed mild skepticism. “I’m no doctor,” said one bloodied woman still clutching her shattered legs, “but when a guy plows through a crowd screaming ‘Allahu Akbar’ while doing donuts on the sidewalk, I tend to think ‘terrorism’ before ‘seasonal affective disorder.’ But what do I know? I’m just a racist oppressor who pays taxes.”
Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni reportedly tried to intervene but was quickly silenced by a stern memo from the EU reminding her that borders are racist and facts are Islamophobic. Meanwhile, local authorities have already begun drafting new legislation titled “The Please Don’t Notice The Pattern Act of 2026.”
El Koudri is expected to be back on the streets – and behind the wheel – by early June, fully refreshed and armed with a clean bill of mental health, a negative STI test, and the unshakable belief that white people made him do it.
