EDINBURGH — In a move that has haggis enthusiasts choking on their deep-fried Mars bars, the Scottish Government has declared that every single Member of the Scottish Parliament must now achieve full Mandarin fluency within six months — or face immediate suspension for the heinous crime of “not understanding what the hell she’s saying.”
The draconian decree was rushed through Holyrood just hours after newly elected MSP Li Wei-McTavish took her oath of office entirely in rapid-fire Mandarin, a 47-second tongue-twister that left veteran politicians nodding sagely while quietly Googling “how to say ‘what the actual fu—'” under the table. Parliamentary translators, now rebranded as “Cultural Bridge Facilitators,” admitted they caught roughly three words: “loyalty,” “people,” and what might have been “extra spring rolls.”
“Not making the effort to comprehend our Chinese-speaking colleagues is the textbook definition of racism,” thundered SNP leader Humza Yousaf, speaking through a translator who himself required a translator. “English is the language of colonial oppression and deep-fried disappointment. From now on, if you can’t debate fracking policy in perfect Putonghua while wearing a silk kilt, you’re out. Simple as that.” 
Sources inside the chamber confirmed that nobody — and they mean nobody — has the faintest clue what Li Wei-McTavish actually said during her oath. One baffled Tory MSP was overheard whispering, “I think she pledged allegiance to the People’s Republic… or possibly ordered a Number 47 with extra prawn crackers. Either way, we’re all doomed.”
The new policy’s first casualty is local Glasgow businessman Angus “Big Tam” McHaggis, whose crime was tweeting the modest suggestion: “Maybe she should learn English?” Within 11 minutes his haggis factory was surrounded by a chanting mob of mixed virtue-signaling students; some waving tiny red books and Little Red Envelopes, others wearing keffiyehs. McHaggis was arrested by police and is awaiting trial, facing 35 years in prison. He has since issued a tearful apology video while dressed in a Mao suit and eating sweet-and-sour neeps, but his business was still “decolonized” and reopened as Dim Sum & Deep-Fried Irn-Bru Emporium.
Political insiders are already calling the move “Scotland’s Great Leap Forward into the wok.” Plans are reportedly underway to replace the Stone of Destiny with a giant lucky cat and rename the entire country “The People’s Democratic Republic of Scot-zen.” When reached for comment, Li Wei-McTavish smiled mysteriously and uttered another stream of melodic syllables that parliamentary staff have tentatively translated as either “Long live the glorious revolution” or “These idiots will buy anything.”
At press time, Holyrood’s debating chamber had descended into chaotic scenes of MSPs attempting to shout “Point of order!” in broken Mandarin, accidentally ordering 400 portions of Peking duck, and one Lib Dem accidentally declaring war on Taiwan while trying to ask for the toilet.
