WASHINGTON – In a move that has stunned exactly no one with a working knowledge of U.S. foreign policy theater, the Justice Department is furiously drafting an indictment against former Cuban strongman Raul Castro, reportedly because the 94-year-old cigar-chomping legend might “croak any second now” and rob America of its long-awaited courtroom victory lap.
Sources close to the case whispered that prosecutors are working around the clock, fueled by Red Bull and spite, to charge Castro with the unforgivable crime of ordering the 1996 shoot-down of two Brothers to the Rescue planes. “Look, shooting civilian aircraft out of the sky is technically frowned upon,” said one anonymous DOJ official while nervously eyeing a calendar marked Raul’s Expiration Date, “But the real urgency here is simple: if this guy dies before we indict him, the whole thing loses its dramatic punch. We need that perp walk footage before he’s pushing up daisies in Havana.”
Critics were quick to point out the selective outrage. “The Russians blow a jet out of the sky and the whole world gets a shrug and some strongly worded hashtags,” snarled one Cuban radio host. “But Cuba does it and suddenly it’s ‘international justice time’? Castro should’ve done what Putin did: just deny harder, blame Nazis, and release a rap video about it. Works every time.” 
Adding a delicious layer of cloak-and-dagger to the proceedings, CIA Director John Ratcliffe jetted down to Havana this week for what officials described as “high-level talks.” Insiders say he sat down with Raul’s grandson (the conveniently named Raulito) and delivered a message straight from the Big Guy himself: “2026 is gonna be spicy, fellas. Hand over the island, open the beaches for spring break, and maybe we won’t turn your sugar fields into Trump-branded golf resorts.”
According to Cuban state media, Ratcliffe arrived with a suitcase full of PowerPoint slides titled “How to Not Get Invaded in 2026” and allegedly spent the evening “discussing economic stability” while chain-smoking Cohibas and trading stories about whose grandpa had the bigger revolutionary balls. One leaked photo (quickly deleted) allegedly showed the CIA chief giving Raulito a firm handshake and a wink that said, “Your abuelo’s about to be our most famous defendant since that guy from The Apprentice.”
Meanwhile, President Trump took to Truth Social to declare, “Raul’s a tough old bird, but we’re gonna make Cuba great again – maybe even better than Mar-a-Lago after happy hour. Tremendous potential!” White House aides confirmed the “friendly takeover” plan now includes complimentary mojitos for surrendering generals and a lifetime supply of Viagra for any Castro who cooperates.
Legal experts warn the case could drag on for years – perfect timing if Raul decides to live forever just to spite the Americans. One Miami prosecutor was overheard muttering, “At this rate we’ll be trying a skeleton in a guayabera.”
In related news, Cuba’s energy grid collapsed again, prompting locals to joke they’re now powered entirely by pure revolutionary resentment and the occasional black-market generator fueled by purell and broken dreams.
