Sacramento, CA – In what can only be described as the political equivalent of a midlife crisis threesome with hypocrisy and desperation, California Governor Gavin “Newscum” Newsom strutted to the podium Thursday and basically admitted he’s ready to bend democracy over the desk if it means keeping those pesky Republican voters from slipping a pair of red candidates into the governor’s race.
“We all have agencies,” Newscum purred, voice slicker than the lube he apparently keeps stocked next to the emergency ballot box. “There is a ‘break the glass’ scenario. I don’t anticipate needing it… but there are many people with a deep, throbbing understanding of what it would look like if Democrats got locked out. And we’re going to do everything—and I mean everything—to make sure that doesn’t happen. I’ll leave it there… unless you want me to go deeper.”
Sources inside the governor’s mansion (who spoke while nervously adjusting their pants) confirmed the “break the glass” protocol is less about protecting democracy and more about Newsom’s personal fear of getting politically blue-balled. The plan, insiders giggle, involves emergency “voter outreach” that looks suspiciously like a Silicon Valley orgy of ballot harvesting, last-minute “adjustments” by Hollywood interns with very flexible morals, and several undocumented sea lions mysteriously registering as Democrats right before Election Day. 
For years Newscum has been the loudest throat in every cable-news circle jerk, bellowing that Donald Trump was a dictator who wanted to raw-dog the Constitution and leave democracy walking funny the next morning. “He’s a threat to our norms!” Newscum would moan on CNN, while simultaneously running California like a high-end escort service that only takes blue credit cards and French Laundry reservations.
Now? The same guy is openly shopping around a “just ignore the voters if they get too excited” contingency plan, proving once and for all that the only thing Newsom hates more than Trump is the terrifying possibility that California might accidentally elect someone who doesn’t want to tax the hell out of your backyard hot tub.
One anonymous aide described the emergency override as “democracy’s safe word—except we’re the ones who get to ignore it when we’re about to get fucked.” Another staffer, clearly riding high on whatever they’re passing around the mansion, added, “It’s not rigging, it’s passionate consent… for the correct party only.”
At press time, Newscum was reportedly practicing his victory speech in front of a full-length mirror while wearing nothing but a campaign button and a knowing smirk, whispering “This isn’t cheating, baby… this is protecting the process” to his own reflection. Trump’s team, meanwhile, responded with a single tweet that simply read: “Lmao.”
